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Home > Articles & Advice > The Realities and Beauty of Marriage

The Realities and Beauty of Marriage

By Douglas E. Brinley

The two of you decided to get married months ago because you saw in each other traits you thought would make a great spouse. Now, after two months, you have been married just long enough to begin to see the realities of marriage and yet the joy that comes from living together as companions. You are finding, or will, that it takes your best efforts to make marriage work well. President Spencer W. Kimball once described the process of moving from courtship to marriage:

Two people coming from different backgrounds soon learn after the ceremony is performed that stark reality must be faced. There is no longer a life of fantasy or of make-believe; we must come out of the clouds and put our feet firmly on the earth. Responsibility must be assumed and new duties must be accepted. Some personal freedoms must be relinquished, and many adjustments, unselfish adjustments, must be made.

One comes to realize very soon after the marriage that the spouse has weaknesses not previously revealed or discovered. The virtues which were constantly magnified during courtship now grow relatively smaller, and the weaknesses which seemed so small and insignificant during courtship now grow to sizable proportions. The hour has come for understanding hearts, for self-appraisal, and for good common sense, reasoning, and planning. The habits of years now show themselves; the spouse may be stingy or prodigal, lazy or industrious, devout or irreligious, may be kind and cooperative or petulant and cross, demanding or giving, egotistical or self-effacing. The in-law problem comes closer into focus, and the relationships of the spouses to them is again magnified? ("Marriage and Divorce," Brigham Young Devotional, September 7, 1976, p. 4.)

Many couples seem to have a difficult time making not only the adjustments to marriage, but to each other. Carlfred Broderick expressed this sentiment: The most popular--and the roughest--contact sport in the country is not professional football; it is marriage. Consider the statistics: Over 9O percent of us try our hand at it, either ignoring the dangers or simply hoping for the best.

A third of us, however, sustain so many injuries that we are willing to suffer the humiliation of divorce to get off the field. Yet the promise, the attractiveness, is so great that 8O percent of those divorced put themselves back into the marriage (game)--most of them within three years. Clearly, the problem is not how to make matrimony more popular; it's how to make it less hazardous. ("Couples: How to Confront Problems and Maintain Loving Relationships", p. l3.)

Here are some basic principles to keep your marriage humming along well beyond the honeymoon phase:

1. You can be no better spouse/parent than you are as a person. Often we are on our best behavior when we are dating and trying to impress someone. But, if you are basically, dishonest, break promises, think pornography is harmless, possess a low self-worth, use temper to manipulate others, or have other character problems, then not only will these characteristics negatively affect your marriage, but they will, no doubt, be passed on to your future posterity.

2. Your happiness in this life will be based on the quality of your marriage and family relations. We often think that happiness comes from things--money, degrees, whether BYU wins or loses, leisure time, travel, gardening, boating--but it's not true. These activities may give some temporary satisfactions, but they don't compare to the primary joy that comes from a solid marriage. On the other hand, when you two are not functioning well, are upset with each other, the feelings are yucky until the relationship is properly restored.

3. "As the marriage goes, so goes the family." You will be the primary model for your children and their functioning. A wise man once said, "A happy wife is worth 100 books on child development." Marital termites, "ceaseless pin-pricking" and grumpiness can eat away at marital happiness. Both of you must be on your best behavior because you have committed to apply gospel principles to your relationship. Weird marital relationships can lead to weird children!

All couples have adjustments to make. No one yet ever sailed off into the sunset and lived "happily ever after." We all marry someone we know little about, but we commit ourselves to accept the weaknesses as well as the strengths we soon discover in each other after marriage. You should be getting better each month and eventually each year you are married. It is the worst form of being a traitor to defect, to flirt, to allow romance to develop with someone else after your mutual commitments to each other. Television may portray affairs as glamorous but in the clinic they are disasters. The real world shows sexual immorality to be nothing but heartbreak, tears, anger, and hostility--besides divorce. There is an old saying: "Every wife has grounds for divorce; every husband has grounds for divorce." But, hopefully we have sense enough to not go that route.

4. Greet each other with expressions of love and enthusiasm when you have been apart. When you are apart, you have been influenced by the world around you. You need a restoration that can only be found in each other. Embrace often and renew your feelings before tackling the problems that developed during the day. Wives, treat your husband at least as good as the dog! Husbands, treat your wife at least as good as you did before you were married!

5. Take time to get off alone together--just the two of you. Even though you just came back from your honeymoon, you should have learned that you need time away together. Often newlywed couples are so busy that they hardly see each other compared to the time they spent together prior to the wedding.

6. Seek feedback from each other. We often fail to seek help from the very one who can do something about our concerns--our spouse. Check in with each other periodically to see if there is something being ignored, avoided, or simply forgotten. See if there are areas in the marriage where you both can make improvements--and make them Trust is fragile--never take it for granted. Your marital commitment must be a solemn, eternal pledge of fidelity. If trust is broken it is very difficult to repair. Be a therapist to each other. Be sensitive to feelings, hurts, disappointment, ups and downs. Never use sex as a weapon or punishment. Intimacy is to renew your commitments, to strengthen and reinforce feelings of love.

Sexual relations are not to be used as a threat for compliance or non-compliance. Your intimacy is something private between you two and not to be shared with other couples, friends, or parents.

7. Express love in the daylight--frequently. Expressions of love are indispensable in strong marriage relations. We die emotionally and spiritually without expressions of love and caring. Increase the non-sexual areas of marriage that make such a difference--help with housework, meals, yard, cars, long talks, risking and sharing feelings and dreams and wishes. Physical touch is crucial in marriage and a very important form of communication. Hold hands. Hug. Kiss. Frequently.

8. Express positives frequently and stay away from negatives. If you need to "teach" something to your spouse, find a time when you are not emotional and ask for an opportunity to share. "Honey, there is something that I need to visit with you about. It would be really helpful to me if . . ." Be positive and constructive, and charitable. Your spouse is anxious to be your therapist.

9. "Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ." (Proclamation on the Family, Ensign, November 1995, p. 102.) The list of Christlike attributes includes faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. Develop decent, moral attributes that makes human relations run more smoothly: kindness, patience, love, charity, long-suffering, meekness, humility, gentleness, turning the other cheek. Remember that you "ain't so hot either baby." You did not come from the "true family." You have much to learn yourself. There is no such thing as "constructive criticism" except for the one giving it!

10. How about using a marital exercise to strengthen your marriage? Separately, write down your response to these six items. Then, go over your answers together as a couple.

How do I let my spouse know that I love him/her?
How does my spouse let me know that he/she loves me?
How would I like my spouse to show love to me?
What things do I appreciate most about my companion?
What areas can we talk about easily? Are there some we avoid? What are they?
What are the major strengths of our marriage as a couple?

[Douglas E. Brinley, a former mission president, is a professor of church history and doctrine and teaches religion courses at Brigham Young University. He earned his bachelor's and master's degrees from Utah State University and his doctorate from Brigham Young University. Dr. Brinley offers seminars titled "Don't Let the Sizzle Fizzle!"]