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An Affair to Remember

Planning Advice From the Pros
by Christine and Melinda Van Wagenen

Vain and Foolish Traditions
The typical Mormon wedding has strayed far from the celebration a marriage should be. There are at least two bridal showers, a rehearsal dinner, luncheons, wedding breakfast, pictures and the ceremony. Don't forget the reception that always lasts at least an hour longer than planned. All of these components could be accomplished, but in following Mormon tradition, we try and pack it all into a week. Talk about stress!

A fatal tradition is the reception itself. In traditional non-Mormon weddings, the reception happens directly after the ceremony. The bride and groom would walk down the aisle and stand at the door. As the guests walked from their seats to a sit-down meal, they passed through the doors and were greeted and received by the newlyweds. After all the guests passed through, the bride and groom joined the guests in the celebration. The true reception lasted about fifteen to twenty minutes tops.

Mormons have made up a new definition of a reception because of the temple ceremony. But like the traditional reception, it is an impersonal, rushed event. In many wards, an invitation to yet another reception gets the response "Another reception?!? We can probably fit it in between 7 and 7:15. " Receptions are not parties; they are expensive "gift drop-offs."

In other cultures, weddings are wonderful celebrations. At a Brazilian wedding reception, the guests arrive at the specified time and stayed until the food was gone. All were exhausted. It was fun!

When was the last time you went to a reception where the bride and groom were actually enjoying themselves? But in order to achieve this party feel, another tradition may need to be violated: the guest list. A myth in the LDS culture is that the whole ward has to be invited. Attention! Attention! This is not true! Invite the people you and you family feel close to. For the rest of the ward, send them an announcement. Many feel that this will offend some but in the words of President Brigham Young, "Those who take offense when offense is not intended are fools, and those who take offense when offense is intended are bigger fools."

Realize that a wedding is one of the most important days in your life. It should be directed toward you and your family, not the members of your ward. Now that we have gotten past just some of the many vain and foolish traditions of Mormon weddings, we can talk about your wedding and making it the magical day you always dreamed.

I Have A Dream
When people start planning their wedding, the first thing they establish is the budget. Our advice is DON'T! Budgets should only come up after you have established your dream.

Most people have some vision of what their wedding will be like, but this does not pertain only to the bride. Mothers, mothers-in-law, grooms, fathers, fathers-in-law, grandparents and even your favorite aunt might have some dream of how your wedding could be. Through an evaluation we have developed, each person that has a say in the planning.

Communication is key in planning a successful wedding. Talk to each other. These discussions allow each person to express desires, traditions they like and any qualms they might have about other ideas. Weddings can cause much turmoil in families. When people are not allowed to express opinions, they feel they have been cheated. After, no matter how amazing the wedding, that individual will believe that it was a disappointing disaster. Through these communication sessions, the priorities of all are taken into account as we find new solutions that encompass everyone's ideas.

We cannot stress, however, the importance of being flexible. You might not realistically want all seven dwarves are ice sculptures. Your family can help you realize this mistake.

Also, the sessions help to establish who is in charge: the bride and the bride only. Final decisions and commitments are up to the bride to establish, although she may delegate some aspects to other family members. One extreme example is a bride whose parents were paying for the wedding. They felt that if they were paying for it, they should be able to choose. The parents decided on everything from the colors to the food. The bride was not able to give any opinions and she felt she had been cheated. There was tension and resentment toward her parents during what should have been the happiest day of her life. All of the problems the bride was having could have been solved through communication and flexibility on both ends.

Magical Moments
Decide what your dream is. Do you want the reception in a certain place? Do you want you dress made of silk? Do you want tulips imported from Holland? Make your one wish and it becomes your top priority. Then, you must be flexible on other aspects of the wedding.

After you have everyone involved understanding and in agreement, add the budget factor. Even if your budget is small, your dream can still come true. By establishing a budget first, you will be overwhelmed by all the costs. When you are focusing mainly on one or two things, your budget does not seem like such an inhibitor. Always remember that your wedding can be a joyous, wonderful occasion and we'll make it an Affair To Remember.

Christine and Melinda Van Wagenen, Wedding Consultants
2190 Willow Brook Way, Sandy, UT 84092
(801) 571-6840